Akatsuki Mornings
by stealth gato
Summary: silly fic about Akatsuki. If you don't know anything about them then you probably shouldn't read because there are kind of spoilers i guess. rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

OKAY, so i know you're all probably like WTF WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THIS CRAP UP INSTEAD OF UPDATING ROOMMATES II?? i know, i know. i'm almost finished with it. but i got this stupid idea in my head and it's really hard to write good Sasu/Naru smut when you keep thinking about the Akatsuki acting silly. ao anyway, i got the idea in my head thinking what if Akatsuki wasn't exactly how they portray themselves? then i was like i be their morning routines are just kind of silly. i mean they take themselves way to seriously. i doubt they can be that serious all the time. so here is my kind of parody on the Akatsuki.

WARNING: language, kind of spoilers.  
DISCLAIMER: i don't own the akatsuki. they're way too scary.

* * *

Itachi and Kisame

Itachi grumbled as he got up. It was way too early to do anything. Itachi put on his pink bunny slippers and straightened his ducky pajama pants before pulling on his fluffy light blue robe with rainbows and suns on it.

"Stupid leader making us wake up so early." Itachi said. He got out of his bed and headed for the door. "Damn it, stupid door getting in my way." Itachi grumbled when he ran into the door. Opening the door he walked down the hall. "Stupid wall." Itachi grumble each time he ran into the wall. He made it to the bathroom and after running into the door opened it to find Kisame playing in the tub.

"Raaawrr!" Kisame said making his toy shark eat his GI Joe doll... err... action figure. "Oh no, I'm bleeding and dying and in lots of pain!" he made the action figure say.

"Playing with your dolls again, Kisame?" Itachi asked.

"THEY'RE ACTION FIGURES!!" Kisame yelled.

"They're dolls." Itachi said. Itachi said. He went over to the sink. "Stupid sink, moving like that." Itachi said when he ran into the sink.

"I think you're going blind, Tachi." Kisame said.

"That's why I have contacts." Itachi said. He pulled the contact case out of the medicine cabinet and opened them revealing red contacts.

"You have Sharingan contacts?" Kisame asked.

"Do you know how much chakra I'd use to really keep my Sharingan activated all the time? I'm a master of illusions, Kisame. No one wants to fuck with a guy with his Sharingan activated. And I'm giving the illusion that I have my activated all the time." Itachi said.

"Lame." Kiasme told him.

"Says the guy playing with dolls in his strawberry bubble bath." Itachi rolled his eyes.

"THEY'RE ACTION FIGURES!!" Kisame yelled. After putting in his contacts Itachi found his brush and started brushing his hair.

"One, two, three..." Itachi counted each stroke all the way up to 100. After 100, he put the brush down and pulled out a hair tie and pulled his hair back.

"You're such a girl." Kisame said.

"Says the guy playing with dolls." Itachi said.

"I TOLD YOU THEY'RE ACTION FIGURES!!" Kisame yelled at him. Itachi opened a drawer and pulled out his mascara and applied it lightly to his eyelashes. Just to keep them pretty.

"Girl." Kisame muttered.

"YOU'RE PLAYING WITH DOLLS!" Itachi shouted and left the bathroom before Kisame could yell back at him. Itachi then went into his room to apply a fresh coat of nail polish to his nails. Kisame grumbled as he got out of the bathtub.

"They're action figured." He mumbled as he dried of with his fluffy lavender towel. He went to the sink and brushed his teeth twice, just to make sure they were extra sparkly. He then went to his room and walked up to his giant fish tank. "Good morning babies." Kisame sing-songed. "Who wants breakfast? Daddy's got some fishy flakes for his babies." He cooed as he picked up the jar of fish food and sprinkled some into the tank. He then checked the water pH and temperature to make sure the fish were going to be okay. "Okay, babies, daddy has to go to work. Oh, don't cry my darlings, daddy will come back don't you worry. Daddy loves his angels." Kisame cooed to the fish before he got dressed.

* * *

yeah so here are Itachi and Kisame. Itachi is totally a girl and i'm sure spends a lot of his morning routine grooming himself. I also have always wondered how Itachi could ALWAYS have his sharingan activated, my theory is contacts. Kisame playing with dolls in the tub, haha.


	2. Chapter 2

Sasori and Deidara

Sasori yawned and stretched as he woke up. Or, he stretched as well as he could considering that he was missing an arm and both of his legs.

"God damn it. This always happens. They never have the right size bolts at the hardware store." Sasori grumbled reaching over for the wrench on his bedside table. He reattached his arms and legs and started to get out of bed when there came knocking at his door.

"Master Sasori! You have to see this! I had a dream and I've created my greatest masterpiece!" Deidara said excitedly as he banged on the door.

"Wait! Don't come in yet! I'm, uh, naked!" Sasori said. He quickly jumped out of his bed and into his Hiruko puppet.

"Ew, I do NOT want to see you naked, Master." Deidara said.

"Well come in, and show me whatever the hell you made." Sasori said.

"You're not naked any more are you?" Deidara asked as he opened the door. He was wearing a pair of purple flannel pants with teddy bears printed on them and a matching tank top.

"Shut up and show me what you made." Sasori snapped at him.

"Tadah!" Deidara said holding up a clay sculpture.

"It's nice." Sasori said unconvincingly.

"Nice?" Deidara asked. "This is a work of pure genius! This thing would destroy everything within miles! This is art at it's finest" Deidara announced.

"Fine art is something wonderful that's left long into the future... eternal beauty." Sasori said.

"Fine art is the beauty of that single fleeting moment of explosion." Deidara said.

"You're just trying to piss me off now, aren't you?" Sasori asked. "Your explosions are not art."

"I'll make you appreciate my art." Deidara said as his hand spit out three of his spider bombs. He shut the door and felt the effects of the explosion.

"Damn it Deidara! I just put my arm on! And my head is stuck in the ceiling!" Sasori yelled. Deidara snickered as he ran to the bathroom to start getting ready. He grabbed his brush and started brushing his hair.

"One, two, three..." He counted all the way to two hundred. "Itachi counts to one hundred but I'm better than him and count to two hundred." Deidara smirked. He tied his hair up and fixed his bangs so that they would fall in the right place. He then brushed his teeth. After brushing his teeth he got another tooth brush and brushed the teeth of the mouths in his hands. Eating all that clay really makes them dirty. When he was satisfied with his personal cleanliness he went to his room to get dressed.

* * *

I know it's really short. I'm sorry Sasori-sama and dei-can. i really couldn't think of much for these two. I bet parts fall off of Sasori all the time. do you think he would sleep in his ture form an the put on that giant puppet when he wakes up? "Hiruko" was what Chio called the pupped Sasori was wearing, btw. Also, the convo about fine art is straight from the manga. i know they argue about art a lot but i bet it would be the exact same argument every time. also, deidara is always trying to be better than Itachi so he would definitely brush his hair more just to make it better. And you know clay gets stuck in the teeth in his hands, i bet it gets uncomfortable.


	3. Chapter 3

Key: Zetsu 1 white side, Zetsu 2 black side.

Zetsu and Tobi

Zetsu yawned as he woke up and could hear the TV on in the living room. He sighed.

"Stupid Tobi has it up too loud again." Zetsu 1 said.

"Why do I have to get stuck baby sitting?" Zetsu 2 sighed. Zetsu picked up the watering can and watered all of the plants in his room.

"They're all so green and pretty." Zetsu 1 said.

"Tobi needs to turn down the volume on the TV, it's annoying the plants." Zetsu 2 said. Zetsu sighed and went out into the living room. Tobi was sitting right infront of the TV wearing black pajama pants and a black t-shirt with red clouds printed all over them. He had on fuzzy black slippers with red clouds embroidered on them, the elastic strap of his boxers were showing and had 'I 3 Akatsuki' printed all the way around. He even wore a black night cap with a red cloud on it. and of course his orange swirl mask.

"Tobi, what on earth are you wearing?" Zetsu 1 asked as he walked into the kitchen and poured himself a bowl of _Soylent Green_ cereal.

"Tobi is a good Akatsuki." Tobi said he turned to see Zetsu. "Guah! What happened to the thing?" Tobi asked moving his arms like claws on the side of his head to represent the venus fly trap thing.

"It's heavy so I take it off when I sleep." Zetsu 1 said.

"You need to turn down the TV." Zetsu 2 said.

"Yes, Zetsu-san. Tobi is a good boy." Tobi said and turned down the TV. "Zetsu-san, do you eat that cereal because it's green?"

"Yes." Zetsu 1 said.

"No." Zetsu 2 said.

"What?" Tobi asked.

"What do you mean 'no?'" Zetsu 1 asked.

"What do you mean 'yes?'" Zetsu 2 asked.

"Zetsu-san, what are we going to do today?" Tobi asked.

"Same thing we do every day, Tobi." Zetsu 1 said.

"Try and take over the world!" Zetsu 2 said. Tobi laughed. "What's so funny?" Zetsu 2 asked.

"Nothing, Zetsu-san. Tobi didn't laugh. Tobi is a good boy." Tobi said.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Zetsu 1 asked Zetsu 2. But of course Tobi thought Zetsu was talking to him

"I think so, Zetsu-san, but how are we going to get Deidara-sempai and Itachi-sempai into the pink tutus?" Tobi asked.

"I'm thinking fried." Zetsu 2 said.

"Deep fried." Zetsu 1 said.

"Sounds good." Zetsu 2 agreed.

"Zetsu-san is going to eat me!!" Tobi cried as he ran into his room and shut the door. "Don't eat me, Zetsu-san! Tobi is a good boy." Tobi sighed and sat on the his perfectly made bed. The black comforter had red clouds printed all over it he had black pillows and even a red cloud throw pillow. His dresser was black with red clouds handles on each drawer. On top of his dresser were his home made Akatsuki action figures. He started playing with them making them talk to each other in fairly good impressions of their actual voices and personalities. "And now, King Tobi! King of Akatsuki!" Tobi said pulling out the action figure of himself that was bigger than all the others. "Oh, King Tobi, you're so cool!" "You're the greatest, King Tobi." "The best Akatsuki ever!" the dolls kept saying. Tobi smiled and started getting dressed. "Tobi is a good boy. Tobi is a good Akatsuki." He said as he looked at himself in the mirror.

* * *

Uwah! Tobi is so cute! You know that he had Akatsuki everything. He's like their mascot. i really don't like the whole tobi Madara thing. I want the cute idiot tobi back. wah!! also for those of you who don't know. Soylent Green is made of people. It's actually a movie, but i've never seen it. Zetsu would totally eat soylent green for breakfast. and does wnyone else think that venus fly trap thing isn't really attached to him? Oh and there are parts in here parodying Piny and the Brain. if you haven't see the show that's just too bad cause then you won't get it i guess...

also apparently ff doesn't do mathematical symbols the 3 on tobi's pants is supposed to have the 'less than' sign in front of if to make it a heart... "i three akatsuki" doesn't really make any sense.


	4. Chapter 4

WARNING: LANGUAGE. Hidan says at least 2 cuss words in almost every sentence.

Hidan and Kakuzu

"One hundred and two, one hundred and three..." Kakuzu counted the money from his latest bounty. "Oh yes, this one was definitely worth it." He said greedily as he kept counting. He sat in the dark kitchen with a candle on the table to barely light up what he was doing. Kakuzu wore a green shirt with the words 'Money CAN buy happiness' printed across the chest. And black pajama bottoms with dollar signs printed on them. He heard the door to Hidan's room open and looked up to see Hidan come out with his hair sticking out in all directions, three kunai in his chest and two in his back, he was wear a 'Jashin is my home boy' t-shirt and grey pants with the Jahin symbol printed all over them. "Jesus Christ, Hidan. One day you're going to give me a heart attack when you come out looking like that."

"Oh fuck off, you have five hearts it's not like you can't spare one of them. God damn it's fucking cold in here. Kakuzu, you fucking tight wad, did you not pay the damn electric bill?" Hidan growled at him.

"Candles are less expensive." Kakuzu told him.

"God damn fucking tight ass bastard. It's fucking freezing in here and your spitting out bullshit about candles and shit. What the hell, Kakuzu? You're such a fuck head." Hidan growled as he went into the bathroom. "God fucking damn it! Where the fucking hell is the fucking water? You fucking turned it off didn't you, you god damn shit head!" Hidan yelled glaring at Kakuzu.

"We don't need water." Kakuzu said.

"Fuck you, you dip shit! What the fuck are you fucking talking about? Everyone fucking needs water, dumb ass! I fucking need water so I can fucking bathe! Just because you're a fucking Neanderthal who doesn't fucking understand the need to take a god damn bath every once in a fucking while doesn't mean you can give me this fucking bull shit about not needing the god damn water. You're such a bitch!" Hidan yelled at him.

"Maybe if you weren't such a masochist you wouldn't need to bathe as much. Which, by the way, you're bleeding all over the carpet. I'm not paying to clean it, it's coming out of your paycheck." Kakuzu said.

"Fuck you, Kakuzu. This is part of my ritual for Jashin-sama. If you converted instead of staying the blasphemous heathen that you are, you would understand it's importance. And as for the carpet, fuck that. I'm not fucking paying for it especially if you wound' fucking pay for the damn electricity. No one is going to fucking see it, so to hell with you." Hidan said.

"Sorry, Hidan, I like my money too much to convert to your false religion." Kakuzu said. Hidan growled.

"Fuck you, dick face! Jashin-sama will deliver his judgment to you. Just fucking wait." Hidan said going back into the bathroom. "What the hell? Fucking stupid hair gel! Where the hell did all my god damn hair gel go?" Hidan said angrily. He came out of the bathroom smoothing his hair down the best he could. "I need some money to go get some more hair gel." Hidan said.

"I know you have some in there. I just bought you some last week." Kakuzu said.

"Like hell am I using that cheep ass generic shit you bought me, bitch. Give me some fucking money so I can by some god damn hair gel." Hidan growled.

"I'm not wasting my money because you're too spoiled to use the cheep kind of hair gel that works just as well." Kakuzu said.

"Yeah, well, fuck you, I'll get it myself." Hidan said grabbing a handful of money from the table. Out of nowhere Kakuzu produced a long knife and cut Hidan's head off.

"Let go of the money." Kakuzu said.

"God damn it, Kakuzu! What the fuck did you do that for? Asshole, cutting off my head like that." Hidan growled, glaring up at Kakuzu from the floor. Kakuzu picked up Hidan's head. "Ow, damn it, don't pull so hard on my hair, it fucking hurts." Hidan growled.

"Shut up." Kakuzu said.

"Well, come on then, bitch, put my head back on." Hidan said. Kakuzu ignored Hidan and went into the bathroom. "What the fuck are you doing? My body is in there, dumb ass." Hidan's head was set on the sink. Kakuzu pulled out the bottle of hair gel and started to put it in Hidan's hair. "Oh fuck no. You did not just put that shit in my hair. I'll fucking kill you, Kakuzu!"

"Shut up. You're annoying me." Kakuzu said. Hidan growled as Kakuzu finished.

"I'm gonna hit you so fucking hard when you put my head back on my body." Hidan said.

"Who said I was going to do that?" Kakuzu asked leaving Hidan's head in the sink.

"Damn it, Kakuzu! Get the fuck back here and put my fucking head on my fucking body right this fucking second!" Hidan screamed.

"I don't think so." Kakuzu said.

"Jashin will deliver his judgment for this offense!" Hidan yelled from the sink. Kakuzu turned to face Hidan and laughed.

"I'm so scared." Kakuzu said. He turned back around and ran into the door frame.

"Ha! Owned, bitch!" Hidan laughed.

* * *

Hidan amuses me. I actually find their partnership/ friednship/ relationship/ whatever amusing because i think these two truly hate eachother and are forced to work with eachother. and Kakuzu got owned. haha.


	5. Chapter 5

Pein and Konan

"NOOO!" Konan woke up screaming. Pein looked into their room from the bathroom.

"Bad dream?" Pein asked.

"The scissors. The scissors." Konan said shaking slightly.

"There aren't any scissors in here, Konan." Pein said. Konan looked around the room as if she realized where she was and sighed with relief.

"Oh Pein, it was terrible." She said getting up and walking towards the bathroom. "They were huge and had bright orange handles and serrated blades and there were even a few of those scrap booking scissors for the 'decorative edge.' I don't want to be zigzagged." Konan cried. Pein wrapped his arms around the crying girl and shushed her gently.

"There aren't any scissors here, Konan. You don't have to worry." Pein said. Konan looked up at him with teary eyes.

"You're right." She said wiping her eyes. She kissed him gently.

"Ow." Pein said pulling away from the kiss.

"What?" Konan asked.

"Paper cut." Pein said touching his lip.

"Sorry." Konan smiled sympathetically. She walked into the bathroom to see the five other Peins standing in front of the mirror.

"Hello, Konan." They all said. Konan smiled awkwardly.

"What are you doing?" Konan asked looking at the Pein in their bedroom.

"I can't ever decide which body I want to be." Pein sighed.

"But you always choose that one anyway." Konan said.

"Yeah, but today I felt like dressing up a little." Pein said. Konan rolled her eyes.

"Whatever." Konan sighed. She started getting ready for the day. When she was finished she went into the kitchen to get some breakfast. Pein came out a couple of minutes later. "I told you that you would stay the same." Konan shook he head.

"Yeah, I figured why mess with a good thing?" Pein smiled. Konan rolled her eyes.

"We should be going now." Konan said. Pein nodded. They left their apartment and met the rest of the Akatsuki members in the hall. It was convenient that they all lived next door to each other.

"Okay, remember that we're members of Akatsuki. We're totally bad asses, we're totally evil and we're totally going to take over the world." Pein said.

"GO TEAM!" Tobi cheered. Everyone mumbled something and went off to start their day. THE END.

* * *

Konan's special ability is that she can turn herself into paper. i bet she had nightmares about scissors. (scissors beats peper every time). I actually want to draw a picture of rock lee and konan fighting (paper beats rock? haha. i think it'd be funny) but i suck at drawing. also instead of having to decide which outfit to wear, pein spends time trying to decide which body to wear. there are six of him...


End file.
